Laughter Is The Best Medicine - Part 2

Take a break from GPS related topics. Share a joke or just chit chat.

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bartmp8
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Re: Laughter Is The Best Medicine - Part 2

#791 Post by bartmp8 » Fri Aug 26, 2011 2:08 pm

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM



























-----------------------------------------------------------------

Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM



You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's.

You are just a pervert.

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Re: Laughter Is The Best Medicine - Part 2

#792 Post by bartmp8 » Fri Aug 26, 2011 2:24 pm

Hooray for Democracy & Human Rights

STELLA AWARDS:


It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old
Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she
purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving.
Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish
lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head
scratcher handy.


Here are the Stellas for this past year -- 2010:



* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over
a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict,
considering the running toddler was her own son

Start scratching!



* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand
with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying
to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...



* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage.
Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to
open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when
Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of
dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the
insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching.
There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..



* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical
expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in
its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have
been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly
shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..


* THIRD PLACE *


Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after
she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had
thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...



*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom
window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies
room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah,
plus dental expenses. Go figure.


Ok. Here we go!!



* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who
purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from a football game, having driven on to the
freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to
make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not
surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the
driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case
Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.



If you think the court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.

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Re: Laughter Is The Best Medicine - Part 2

#793 Post by bartmp8 » Fri Aug 26, 2011 2:32 pm

The Cow, an Ant, and an Old Fart


A cow, an ant, and an old fart are debating as to whom the greatest of the three of them is.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"






The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"


































Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

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Re: Laughter Is The Best Medicine - Part 2

#794 Post by bartmp8 » Fri Sep 02, 2011 3:42 pm

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,
'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave,
they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back,
it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped,
and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.


The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............




NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

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Re: Laughter Is The Best Medicine - Part 2

#795 Post by onetree710 » Mon Sep 26, 2011 1:03 pm

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck. Then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict! Look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist. Don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong. Honey, I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay. He thought you were cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"
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Re: Laughter Is The Best Medicine - Part 2

#796 Post by bartmp8 » Mon Sep 26, 2011 3:32 pm

ATTENTION!


Three people having sex is a – ‘Threesome’

Two people having sex is a – ‘Twosome’


So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’ - don't be too sure it's a compliment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Re: Laughter Is The Best Medicine - Part 2

#797 Post by cruiser » Mon Sep 26, 2011 11:25 pm

bartmp8 wrote: So next time someone calls you ‘handsome’ - don't be too sure it's a compliment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I can't help assuming it as such esp when its then coupled with a soothing whisper..."Awesome". :thumbsup: :-'
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Re: Laughter Is The Best Medicine - Part 2

#798 Post by bartmp8 » Fri Oct 14, 2011 11:54 pm

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
A Poem by Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits

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Re: Laughter Is The Best Medicine - Part 2

#799 Post by bartmp8 » Sun Dec 11, 2011 3:38 pm

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

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Re: Laughter Is The Best Medicine - Part 2

#800 Post by bartmp8 » Fri Feb 17, 2012 1:21 pm

Be Positive Like This Boy



A Lady Teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class. Madam asked ‘Boy. What is your problem?'

Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the 4th Grade!'

Madam took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
Questions he had to go back to the first-grade. Madam agreed.

The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy.: '9'.

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 4th grade should know.. The principal looks at Madam and tells
her, 'I think Boy can go to the 4th grade.'

Madam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions'.

'Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.

Madam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of'?

Boy, after a moment 'Legs.'

Madam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

Boy.: 'Pockets.'

Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy.: Coconut

Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy.: Bubblegum

Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer..

Boy.: Shake hands

Madam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy.: Tent

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg..

Boy.: Wedding Ring

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy.: Nose

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy.: Arrow

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy.: Fire truck

Madam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand.

Boy.: Fork

Madam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man
gives it to his wife after they're married?

Boy.: SURNAME.

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making
love ?

Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

'Send this Boy to Harvard! I got the last ten questions wrong myself!'

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